Grievances

I dig my nails into my palms and concentrate on the sharp, pinching sensation as the plane begins to move. At first, it moves so slowly that it’s barely perceptible, lumbering toward the runway. Then it picks up speed. I can’t tear my eyes away from the window as the scene outside begins to whip past, faster and faster. Vibrations move up through the floor into my feet, and the buzzing sound of the giant jet turns from a quiet whine to a loud rumble. I gasp as we become airborne. I stare for as long as I can as the ground gets farther and farther away. Before I know it, I can barely see the earth through dense fog. A cloud, I think. We’re flying through a cloud. The realization is dizzying. I lean my head back and close my eyes, hoping that this trip is worth it.

I had a bad fear of heights; I couldn’t even climb up a ladder without feeling pure panic and having to go back onto land. It’s why I had never been in a plane before, up until now.

I had gotten a call a week ago from my older brother, Jeremy. We haven’t spoken much in the previous years besides brief calls. He had moved to where our mother resided after she got diagnosed with an illness. I had no desire to see the woman, so I stayed behind. But when he called me, crying, saying she was dying? I knew I had to go over there. The woman and I never saw eye to eye, so it really was just for my brother’s sake.

…if I even make it there. I swear this plane feels like it’s going to crash at every sign of turbulence. I didn’t even take my seatbelt off—I won’t risk it.

The only good thing about planes? Putting your phone on airplane mode. It’s a great excuse to keep my phone out of reach during the trip. If I have to figure out how to respond to one more text message from a friend or family member sending me their “condolences,” I might scream. I know they mean well, but what am I supposed to say about losing someone who I hadn’t spoken to, or even seen, in over five years? The mother I had as a child is a distant memory. And the woman whose funeral I would attend tomorrow? She might as well be a stranger.

But Jeremy had always been there for me when we were kids. I might not understand why he would uproot his life and move to Europe for our mom, but I would support him as best as I knew how. That’s what I promised myself when I booked this plane ticket.

The seatbelt sign flashes above me—as if I ever took it off in the first place—and a fuzzy voice over the intercom informs us that we’ll be landing soon. I look out the window into a darkness that seems to go on forever. It will be close to midnight by the time we land. I close my eyes again. This nightmare cannot end soon enough.

Thank God Jeremy had driven to meet me at the airport. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve fallen to the ground with how jelly-like my legs felt. I didn’t really register his words at first when he wrapped his arms around me and thanked me for coming; I was more focused on the sign he had made for me.

“Welcome home, itty bitty bwother!”

It was… a laughable sight, in a way. The dude was older than me, yet still had to embarrass me. Still had a sort of childishness to him. I kept my eyes locked on the sign, even as we got into his car and he started to drive, talking my head off about whatever he was going on about. His life? Our mother? I wasn’t sure until I clued back into his voice halfway through a sentence.

“Yeah, totally!” I say, realizing I’d zoned out and trying to say something neutral.

Jeremy bursts out laughing. Okay, so I guess I wasn’t as slick as I thought.

“What?” I ask.

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? You just said ‘yeah, totally’ when I asked you what you wanted to get from the drive-thru,” Jeremy continues to chuckle good-humoredly. “Man, are you jet-lagged already?”

“It’s almost one in the morning! Why are we even getting food?” Even as I ask, I feel my stomach rumble. When had I last eaten? Before I left for the airport?

Jeremy pulls into a drive-thru lane. The fluorescent golden arches are a welcoming beacon in the night, like a lighthouse in a storm. “Because,” he replies, “I know you. And you always forget to eat. Especially when you’re stressed. So, again, what do you want to get?”

After all this time, he’s still looking out for me.

“Fine… I didn’t eat,” I sighed in defeat as I crossed my arms, slumping back in the passenger seat. I skimmed over the menu outside his car window for a brief moment before I responded. “Crispy chicken wraps. Are you going to eat with me?”

Jeremy usually always eats with me, even before he moved away. It was something that we always did as kids—besides maybe stealing apples from our neighbours’ trees when we were younger. It just felt right. But it’s been a good while now, so I asked for my own sanity. However, he answered my own question as he ordered food for himself.

Which made me glad, in a way. It was kind of uncomfortable to eat and have someone watch me. So, as we sat in the parking lot of the food place, eating in silence, I was content but knew I had to ask him more questions while he wasn’t a sobbing mess.

“So… what happened to her? Were you with her?”

Jeremy takes a beat before answering, crumpling up his food wrapper into a wad. He fidgets with the edge of the paper, and he doesn’t look at me as he speaks.

“I was supposed to be with her, but I wasn’t. I think I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

I want to change the subject or crack a joke. Anything to lift the tension and not face this head-on. But I force myself into stillness and wait for him to continue.

“It was her heart. She was alone, at home, and her heart gave out. I was supposed to meet her for dinner, but we’d had a tough week. You know how she could be. She always knew how to push our buttons, and she pushed and pushed that week. It’s no excuse. But I didn’t show up for dinner that night. And the next morning, I got the call. A heart attack. And I wasn’t there.”

I stared at Jeremy for a good couple of minutes as I slowly chewed on my wrap. It didn’t really taste as good as it did a few minutes ago now, though. Once I was finished with it, I copied what he did before slowly taking a sip of my drink, which by then, I think, he realized I was stalling to speak, as he sent me a glare.

“So you didn’t go to dinner because she pushed your buttons too much? Huh, and the family says I’m the asshole for going no contact with the woman.”

I put my drink back down in the cupholder as I leaned back in the passenger seat. I played with the crumpled-up wrapper from my wrap as a tenseness filled the air between us. It sucked the woman was dead, sure. I didn’t doubt how guilty Jeremy was feeling, but I don’t get how no one else saw this coming. She had a bad heart for as long as I could remember; I knew it would’ve been her killer eventually.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know. Sorry it happened, though—I know you loved her deep down.”

Jeremy lets out a frustrated snort. I didn’t expect it, and it almost makes me laugh.

“What?” I ask, bewildered.

“It wasn’t my fault? Why would you even say that?”

I can feel my mouth hanging open in surprise. Why is he so angry? “I just… I don’t know. You seemed down that you weren’t there at dinner and I thought maybe…”

“Thought what?” Jeremy snaps. “Thought that it was my fault? Thought that if I’d been there, if I hadn’t flaked on her, maybe she would still be here?”

“No!” I protest. “That’s what I thought that you thought…” I scramble to backtrack. “I’m sorry, Jeremy, really! I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Jeremy throws his wrapper out of the open window, leaving it lying in a crumpled ball in the parking lot, and turns the key in the engine. “It’s fine. Let’s just get going. It’s the middle of the freaking night and we’re both exhausted.”

I watched him as he started the engine and drove out of the parking lot and back onto the highway. He looked angrier now, and suddenly the playful sign he had made for me that now sat in the back of his car felt like it was taunting me. I don’t understand why he got so upset, but it’s his loss if he wants to be a grouch.

“Fine. Whatever, give me the silent treatment then.”

I turned to face the passenger window as I crossed my arms. Two can play that game. I didn’t speak to him as we silently sat in the car. At some point he turned the radio on and turned up the volume; honestly, it was a petty move, but I wasn’t going to play into it.

It was going to be a long drive and I didn’t want to deal with his attitude right now. He wasn’t the only one who lost her, even if I hadn’t spoken to her in almost ten years now. Will she be missed by me? Sure. She was still my mother at the end of the day, but unlike him I’m not so forgiving when it comes to her. Not after what she let happen. Even with her gone now and us preparing for her funeral.

My phone alarm starts blaring. It’s 7:00 a.m. Already? I feel like my head just hit the pillow. It was close to 3:00 a.m. by the time Jeremy and I got back to his place. I turn off my alarm and sit up on the couch, blearily taking in my surroundings. It’s my first time in my brother’s apartment, and I find myself surprised. It’s neat. Very neat. And modern and clean. I don’t know what I expected, but certainly not something so… mature. When did my brother grow into a real adult?

I can hear clanking in the kitchen and my stomach flip-flops. Yesterday did not go the way I thought. As horrible as I knew this trip would be, seeing Jeremy was supposed to be a bright spot in all the darkness. And I ruined it. I can’t take back what I said or begin to understand why he reacted that way. But maybe I could try and patch up our relationship.

I stand and stretch. It’s time to come clean to Jeremy about why I stopped talking to Mom a decade ago. But first, I need a cup of coffee.

I slowly moved to push myself off the couch cushions—which felt like they had engulfed me whole during my sleep—and moved toward the kitchen. I had caught a glimpse of Jeremy standing by the stove, trying to make some fancy rendition of eggs and bacon for breakfast. At least that didn’t change about him; the one thing I knew for certain was Jeremy always had a thing for eggs and bacon in the morning.

I pulled my eyes off his figure, though, as I focused on the coffee maker before me. I wasn’t much of a coffee fan growing up, but today felt like a day where coffee was a must if I was going to get through it. I stood silently before the machine as I put the coffee capsule into the top of it and watched it slowly pour the coffee into the mug that was resting beside it. Once it was full and finished, I grasped the mug and blew on it as I turned to look back at Jeremy, only speaking after I took a long sip of it.

“…did she ever tell you about why I went no-contact?”

“Let’s do this at the table,” Jeremy replies. “I have a feeling that this isn’t the kind of conversation we should have on empty stomachs.”

I want to laugh—there he goes again, making sure that I’m fed and taken care of. But my stomach is still in knots and the caffeine is making me shaky. I sit at the table in front of my plate of scrambled eggs. Jeremy’s are over easy.

“You remember how I like my eggs,” I say with a smile.

“A lot of things have changed. I’m glad that some things are still the same,” says Jeremy.

“Look, I’m sorry about last night. Or, this morning, I guess? Anyways, I’m sorry. I don’t like that there is tension between us. You stopped asking why I cut Mom off years ago, but I realize that it’s not fair to keep you in the dark. Especially now that I know you two were having problems too.”

Jeremy nods solemnly but says nothing. I take a deep breath.

“Okay, I guess it wasn’t one thing that caused our relationship to crumble. It’s like you said, she knew how to push our buttons. You were always more patient about that than I was. But there was one incident that was a last straw for me.”

I locked my eyes on Jeremy’s as I paused for a moment, taking a second to take a bite of my scrambled eggs before I dropped the bombshell that is the reason why I stopped speaking to our mother.

“There was this girl I was close with; met her when I was going through college. She wasn’t that notable, just kept to herself. But she was the kindest person ever—it’s what I liked about her. Though she had her own demons she was battling at home. Literally. She had told me about her family. They were toxic people—I never met them in the time I knew her, but I hated them just by hearing what she’d say.”

I paused for a moment, taking another bite of my eggs.

“One day I had brought her over when you weren’t home. Let her wander around as I went to get stuff for studying, and she ran into Mom. I don’t know what happened in the time I wasn’t with her, but when I found her, our mother was… she had slapped her and was yelling such profanities about how it was no wonder her family treated her so horribly. She just wouldn’t stop going at her; she even struck me when I intervened. That is why I went no contact. It’s one thing for the woman to go after me; it’s another when she hurts the people who I am close with. Especially someone like that girl, who didn’t need any more toxicity in their lives.”

Jeremy has barely touched his plate of food.

“Your bacon is going to be cold,” I say with a half smile.

“Don’t try to lighten the mood,” he replies. “You always do that.” My smile drops.

“You’re right. I just don’t like talking about all that. I left it behind me, you know?”

Jeremy nods. “But you can never really leave behind family, can you? Did you ever talk to that girl again?”

I shake my head. “I tried to reach out but she never responded. I don’t blame her.”

“Neither do I. Most of my friends here don’t even know that I moved to this country with Mom when she first got sick. They think that my whole family lives overseas. I learned quickly to keep her at a distance from people who I care about.”

“Including me?” I ask quietly.

“Yes,” he answers. Straight to the point. I didn’t expect that. “I know you think that I was distancing myself from you. But really, I was trying to give you distance from Mom.”

“I should have realized that. You have always been a great big brother.”

“And you’ve always been an annoying itty bitty bwother,” Jeremy laughs.

“Ugh!” I roll my eyes. But I feel lighter. Well, a little lighter. The funeral this afternoon still loomed before us. “I’ll clean up,” I say. “We should start getting ready.”

It was… peaceful, in a weird way. Helping Jeremy clean up the dishes from breakfast made the day not feel so daunting at the moment. It was also relieving to finally tell Jeremy what the woman did; why I went no contact. Though the peaceful feeling didn’t last long as the funeral drew closer and closer.

I didn’t have anything to wear for the funeral—which I realized once I actually opened my suitcase. I’d probably forgotten it on my bed. It was probably covered in my cat’s hair by now, but oh well, at least it’s being used by someone. So I was left borrowing something from Jeremy, though I forgot I was slightly more built than him, so I was struggling to button up the jacket he let me wear. I hated asking for help, but I knew I had to at least look decent for his sake—I couldn’t care less about the rest of the family.

They sucked anyhow.

So I moved to enter his room; however, just as I entered the doorway and went to ask for help, I paused at the sight of him. He looked so much more mature now, which threw me for a loop.

“Whoa, Jer… don’t go getting older on me now of all times.”

Jeremy laughs as he straightens his black tie in the mirror.

“I was thinking the same thing about you,” he says. He walks over to fix my button without me having to ask. “There’s something about seeing you in my suit that makes you look all grown up, little brother.”

“I don’t feel all grown up,” I admit. “I feel too young. Too young to be attending a parent’s funeral.”

Jeremy nods, and the silence stretches on. He fidgets with his tie again and checks his watch.

“Well, should we get this over with?” He gives me a half smile, but I see the worry in his eyes. I ask the question that’s been on my mind all day.

“Do you think many people will be there?”

I didn’t like my mother, but I don’t know if I can stand to be among the only people at her funeral. Nobody deserves that, right?

It threw me for a loop when I saw all the people who came to attend her funeral, besides family, that is. I expected family to be here; however, there were so many other people. Jeremy said they were from the groups the woman was in—knitting club, book club, homecare… I honestly didn’t think she’d have this many people around once she was gone.

Then again, she always had a thing for being dramatic—she’s probably laughing from the beyond to see so many people actually decided to come see her dead body lying in a casket. I was probably the last person to actually approach it. Being swarmed by family asking nine hundred and ninety-nine questions wasn’t fun at all. Especially when they all remind me of her—stuck-up people who couldn’t keep their noses out of people’s business.

It was weird to stare down at her body once I did. For an old woman, she sure looked… young. Peaceful. It made a part of me sick to the stomach to see her in such a state. I had hoped all the ugliness inside her would become visible, but I guess she was considerate of the younger teenagers in the family that attended this today. I ended up flipping her off on top of messing up her makeup and clothes—my goodbye for her and my petty way of making up for what she did to that sweet girl years ago, because the woman always had a thing for needing to look ‘put together’ no matter how pointless it was—before I moved away from the casket so it could be closed.

I only gave Jeremy a shrug when he looked at me with a raised brow, but I think he found humor in my actions. It made him crack a smile, which I saw despite him turning away. Later on, after she was lowered into the ground and everyone else left, I moved to stand beside him as he stared at her tombstone and the freshly covered grave. We both stood in silence for a good couple of minutes before I wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

“…So, what now?”

We end up back in the McDonald’s parking lot. The sun is just starting to set behind the golden arches, marking the end of one of the longest days of my life. I stick my straw into my pop and raise the paper cup towards Jeremy.

“To Mom,” I say.

“To Mom,” he answers, bringing his cup up to meet mine. “Despite it all, she ended up bringing us closer together.”

“I’m actually a little sad to be leaving tomorrow,” I admit with a smile. “Any chance you’ll move back now that she’s gone?”

Jeremy is shaking his head before I finish the question. “My life is here now. But I will definitely call you more.”

“I’ll take that as a win,” I say. “And…” I hesitate. Even with everything we’ve shared, I still worry about how he’ll respond.

“What?”

“And… you’re going to, you know, be okay, right? Like, you’re going to be able to carry on and not feel like…”

“Like it’s my fault?” He finishes my question for me. I grimace, but I see that he is smiling a little.

“In the little time we’ve been reunited and speaking to each other again… I think I’ve come to grips with the fact that there was nothing I could’ve done that would have changed this outcome. She was a bitter woman—and I think that is what was her undoing. So yes, I promise I will be fine. I don’t hold myself accountable; besides, if I did, then she would technically be haunting me from beyond the grave. So… I’d rather leave her in the past.”

Jeremy’s words surprised me at first, but they were comforting. I was glad that he wasn’t going to allow our mother to haunt him from the beyond. He didn’t deserve that; he was a good guy at the end of the day. And he wasn’t wrong—her death did bring us back together. It was the only positive that ever came from her, but I was thankful for it, though I’d thank the universe more than I would her.

I took a long sip from my cup as I watched the sun set. The sky was becoming darker now, yet it was peaceful. It was just me and my brother, like before. I found myself not wanting to leave him just yet now; I mean, we just got close again.

So after a long moment, I turned to him and, with a nudge of my shoulder, asked the only thing going through my mind right now.

“Do you think you have room for me to stay? Just for a little bit longer?”