Richard the Brayed

Yucca. My Ford hatchback has three gallons of water left. Wolf Bones and sea shells from millenia form an archipelago of misery and arid dearth.

Dearth valley, where nothing grows, no one moves and shade is as rare as pringles in an organic farmers market.

But time moves slower here, with a thousand years a passing day. My moustache is long and my patience is broad, for like eveolution, big things happen quick and happen before you know it.

I was changing the toilet paper in the single stall outhouse of the park when I saw a donkey.

At least I think it’s a donkey. I mean, what else could it be? But it’s moving kind of fast to be a donkey, running towards me across the salt flats.

I finish my business in the outhouse and head down towards the flats.

The donkey has a pack, but as it runs, things seems to be falling off, bit by bit, as it picks up speed.

As the distance closes, the donkey looks bigger, but this is not just a matter of perspective. It’s big. Very big. Like, bigger-than-normal big, and I stop and take a step back.

This was a bracio-donkey, a rare form of creature that descended from the Pliestecene! But no time to stand in wonder, this ass was coming right at me.

Since we have no arms, and wouldn’t want to kill a rare species, my only chance was to lasso the brute and hop aboard. I kicked up my spurs (well nikes) and as the donkey brayed in my general direction I pulled the old cretan dolphin flip and landed on his back.

No sonner did I look behind but this mega-donkey has littered the whole park with detritus from his travels…

But the detritus was problem for another day or another ranger. I had to focus on this beast that put my Ford hatchback to shame. Feeling grateful for my college rodeo days, I rode the beast like I was Paul Atreides and it was a sandworm on a desert planet.

But I struggled to get control as it barreled towards the visitor center. This was bad, really bad. I pulled back on the lasso that ringed it’s muscled neck and tried to slow it down, but it wasn’t working. All I could do was hold on tight. I started shouting.

As we barreled into the visitor center, the donkey stopped on a dime (which threw me right onto the welcome couch in style), took a curtsie and began to sing the most brooding Fado straight out of a Lisbon Nightclub. Was I in shrek part III or was this a heat delusion? Did it matter?

Since I was “in charge”, of course I made this seem like my big Idea. “We created a monster’s death valley theme park in 2030, and Don K. Hottie is our first!”

The visitors all applauded and I felt like the bell of the ball…

The applause and whistles eventually waned, and the donkey turned to me, and said in a whisper.

“My real name is Richard. I’m an agent from the future, and I arrived to provide a distraction. There is a man at the back of the crowd who plans to steal precious artifacts and then fly above the park dropping anarchist propaganda and purple glitter protesting government control of nature.”

Richard started another number, this one a little more upbeat, while I followed the perp and nabbed him in the act, making the giant donkey and I both heroes of the day.